Ginger Snaps is a Bloody Good Ride

It’s shitty when guys blame EVERYTHING on PMS. But it’s kind of awesome, too, because it means you can pass the buck. Read about periods and sex in Cookie’s latest CVLT Nation review.

 
Periods are so metal — Cookie Jr.

Sleepaway Camp 2: Shit Sisters & Champion Whores

I don’t miss summer, but I do miss summer camp. I’m one of those annoying chicks who always wants what she can’t have. It’s my default setting. The telltale sign of a woman-child.

I never went to summer camp. Biggest regret of my LIFE. The emotional scars have left me plagued by elaborate capsized canoe fantasies. Capture the flag-induced climaxes. And at the root of it all is Sleepaway Camp.

I always sleep in the nude.

I’ll use any excuse to drop a Sleepaway Camp reference. But I just CAN’T bring myself to write a post about it! Not yet. How can you condense what you could pen a fuckin dissertation on?? Angels of Arawak. My magnum opus.

It’s far easier to write about the farcical follow-up, that Hiltzik hack job — Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers.

You know how when you love something so much, you foolishly, OBVIOUSLY overlook its blatant imperfections? For example, some people love Chinese Democracy. Crazy, right?. But I understand how this can happen.

Degrassi Hump Date: How To Get Mono

Do you remember your first kiss?

My first kiss was with my friend’s boyfriend. I was embarrassingly old. Thirteen, if I’m being completely honest. (Isn’t that totally pathetic?? Boy was I a late bloomer!)

Breaking All The Rules (1985): A Good Way to Meet Guys!

COOKIE: When you’re 16, you really don’t want to look like someone “only a dickface would find attractive.” Just ask Debbie in Breaking All the Rules. She wants to be Wendy O, not Marilyn Monroe. So she hacks off all her hair, finds a crop top and goes to Fun Park to meet guys.

REDEYE: She was hotter with hair.

COOKIE: That’s EXACTLY what Jack thinks! In fact, he first sees her on the street and falls in love with her. But then when he meets her post punk rock makeover, he doesn’t even recognize her. ANNND he tries to make it with her best friend. Guys are so LAME!

REDEYE: I think she looks badass. But I’m just not into short-haired chicks. Maybe because they look like boys.

Degrassi Hump Date: I Bet She Does It. Unless She Doesn’t.

Have you ever asked someone out just because you think they’ll do it with you? I can say with complete honesty that I never have. Although I have gone out with someone and then never called them again. Sometimes it doesn’t work out. Other times, you find out that your date doesn’t know who Jimi Hendrix is…and will therefore remain dateless until they pick up a book or turn on the TV or start wearing glasses or a hearing aid or sport a cute lobotomy because there’s clearly something seriously wrong here.

Today on Degrassi, Liz is the new girl at school. She rocks a shaved head with bangs and a red tank top. A total slag. I mean, the girl is asking for it, right?!

Joey assumes she does it. And who can blame him? LOOK at her! And Steph, always the picture of purity in her modest mini skirt and tube top, decides that Liz dresses VERY provocative. WHAT A TOTAL SLEAZE.

Degrassi Hump Date: Silk IS a Sensuous Fabric, Okay?

There’s no such thing as too friendly when it comes to teachers. Just ask Lucy. Or Eric Brown. OR my personal favourites: Jeff and Angie.

You may remember Lucy from pervious episodes. She’s the one whose parents are real loose. They let her do cool things, like shoplift and eat pizza every night. She’s the quintessential poor little rich girl. So you feel really sorry for her. Except when you don’t. Which is all the time. Because the girl has it MADE.

My sister gave me a book once called Poor Little Rich Girl. It was from a scuzzy Winnipeg library. I was like, Is she trying to tell me something? And I got really paranoid. But why? It wasn’t JUST that it was from Winnipeg. Some part of me must have felt guilty, or why take it personal? I think it’s because even if we are “poor,” we are privileged. If we live in North America, our problems are beyond trivial. I know because I’ve got a STACK.

Wonderland (2003): A Feel-Good First Date Movie

COOKIE: Wonderland is the true story of 70s porn legend John Holmes (aka Johnny Wadd) and his involvement in the 1981 Wonderland murders. This is the kind of movie that would impress me on the first date because it’s TRUE CRIME annnnd Val Kilmer is in it (he plays Holmes). It’s like watching his Jim Morrison all over again. The chunkier aging Jim, of course. Score!

REDEYE: Cookie isn’t hard to impress once you find out what she’s into. Which is easy because she’s so loud about it. On one of our first dates I made her spaghetti because that’s her favourite food. It cost me $5.

COOKIE: Red Eye is harder to impress because he just buys everything he wants. And his palate is way more sophisticated than mine.

REDEYE: I wonder what John Holmes would do on a first date.

The Evil Within (1998): Bitch, Please. This is ’98.

RED EYE: Ever hear of Sal Mazzotta? He’s an indie film actor, writer, director AND producer.

COOKIE: And his 1998 flick The Evil Within is proof that jacks of all trades are mostly jerks. Lucky for him, we love jerks.

RED EYE: I picked this “gem” up at the Sally Ann, along with a stack of other indie horror flicks. Yet another sucker purging his collection.

COOKIE: This film really brought me back to ’98. The good old days of Bootlegger jeans and Bonne Bell lip gloss.

RED EYE: Cookie was a real class act.

Degrassi Hump Date: You Can’t Get Pregnant the First Time

This is the episode we’ve all been waiting for. Even if you didn’t watch Degrassi in high school (um, ew!), you probably remember “It’s Late.”

What makes this particular episode so memorable? I don’t know about you, but I don’t tend to forget it when 14 year olds impregnate each other. Which is exactly what happens to our girl Spike — the plucky blonde punk rocker with the heart of gold.

Even Teen Mom isn’t so scandalous. After all, those girls were practically over the hill at 16.

Degrassi Hump Date: Bad Girls, Good Times

Do you remember your first bad influence? I do. I was in grade 7 and she was in grade 8. She looked like a cast member from The Craft and she listened to Hole and Nine Inch Nails. She smoked cigarettes, and defaced Barbie Dolls and hung them from her bedroom ceiling.

Voula is one of those girls who loves trouble. Only she doesn’t know it. First she’s best buds with Stephanie Kaye (who becomes too hot to handle!), and then she tries hanging with Lucy. Lucy is really tall and glam. She wears lipstick and her parents are real loose. Not like those other fascist Degrassi parents! She also doesn’t care about homework and steals from department stores even though she can afford it. AND! Her life’s ambition is to be a dancer. No wonder she’s Voula’s latest fixation!!

One day the girls get busted for shoplifting. Voula can’t believe it. Once again, she’s been burned by a friend and subjected to her father’s insightful quotes. I was caught for stealing once. It was so embarrassing that I never did it again. I learned that if I wanted something, the best way to get it was to convince your friends to steal it for you.