Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael (1990): Don’t Forget Her Face

It’s good to want things. Good teeth, clean sheets, a pair of Harley boots that actually fit, a book deal. Wanting keeps me going. Because let’s be honest: does getting ever actually make a difference?

Let them eat cake.

Okay, a book deal would change my life. But not forever. I’d want something else after, something more. My biggest problem is that it’s all SO futile. Which is SUCH a teen angst thing to say, I know.

In Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael, Dinky Bossetti is your typical teenage outcast. She hates her adoptive parents, wears black all the time, talks to animals, and kids throw food at her. With a name like “Dinky” how can she NOT be totally effed?

Degrassi Hump Date: Show Your Goop

I’ve never known what it’s like to be really OUT. To be really LOUD. (Except with my words.) In this week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High, Caitlin performs an act of socially acceptable rebellion: She dies a tuft of her hair shock red (it’s actually “only hairspray”). Spike and Liz dig it, and joke that she should get a haircut like theirs (knowing full well that’ll never happen). Caitlin laughs like she agrees, yeah right.

I performed a similar act in high school. I bleached my hair white and wore men’s work shirts. It was enough. But not too much.

Why? So I could weave in and out of each social clique without ever fully committing to one? Because I didn’t really want to be seen? (As much as I craved the idea.) Because I wasn’t comfortable with the goop that was my insides?

Probably all are true.

When Caitlin makes a stand, she feels like she really knows what’s what. She assumes a voice for Spike (who’s being thrown out of school for being aggressively pregnant, so very OUT). Caitlin finds herself fixed. Not like a dog or a teen girl in line for subsidized birth control pills. I mean, she’s firm. This isn’t a dye job. This is what I believe. This is ME.

Degrassi Hump Date: Bell Jar Beauty Tips

On this week’s Degrassi rerun, our girl Steph ditches her sexpot image for a new look: Bell Jar Beauty. These are dog days and Steph’s got them bad. Her mom has a new boyfriend whose name is “Jerry.” Even WORSE: her parents are in a custody battle and Simon doesn’t like her!

I remember my first time in the bell jar. I was twelve, I wasn’t pretty and I didn’t have a boyfriend. I listened almost exclusively to Nirvana (with a little Pablo Honey mixed in) and I didn’t have any good clothes. So one day I woke up and the sun was really bright and my first thought was that I wished it would rain.

Degrassi Hump Date: How To Get Mono

Do you remember your first kiss?

My first kiss was with my friend’s boyfriend. I was embarrassingly old. Thirteen, if I’m being completely honest. (Isn’t that totally pathetic?? Boy was I a late bloomer!)

Degrassi Hump Date: Drunk Moms Disappoint, But Smoking Is Still Cool

Kathleen’s mom is really cool. She’s funny (“First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Kathleen in the baby carriage.” — Hilarious). She doesn’t care about dumb things like keeping the house clean or turning the lights on. And she drinks. A LOT.

My parents were relatively sane. We never had booze in the house and the lights were always on at the appropriate times. I fantasized about having a party mom. It seemed so glam. Like, she’d probably be totally bleached out and really slutty looking. And she’d bring lots of hot/wasted guys back to the house. And she wouldn’t care if I stayed out all night because she’d be so zonked she wouldn’t even notice.

But actually: Kathleen’s mom isn’t that hot. And she’s also, like, a child abuser. So there goes that fantasy…

Degrassi Hump Date: Put a Spoon in Her Mouth!

In this week’s episode, we find out that Caitlin has epilepsy. How awkward. Especially when she has one of her fits at a slumber party and the only constructive thing anyone can say is, “PUT A SPOON IN HER MOUTH!” Because apparently that’ll stop her from swallowing her tongue. Hot!

Poor Caitlin. Being sick is embarrassing. I remember when I was allergic to bees once. They wanted me to wear a “medic alert bracelet.” So uncool. I thought EpiPens were really humiliating too — until I learned that they can get you high! In fact, being allergic was SO EMBARRASSING that I eventually stopped being allergic. It was just TOO socially crippling.

Black Samson (1974): A Lot to Learn About Knives

COOKIE: Samson has it all — sexy ladies, groovy threads and a lethargic LION friend he can take for walks. Cool!

RED EYE: Black Samson is a 1970s blackspliotation film.

COOKIE: And it doesn’t perpetuate any racial stereotypes. At all.

RED EYE: Samson’s kind of a do-gooder. But he does it to a funk soundtrack so it seems badass. Although, how much of a do-gooder can you be when you run a strip club?

Muriel’s Wedding (1994): You’ll Still Be You

COOKIE: Every girl’s dream is to find her prince and GET MARRIED!

RED EYE: …Really?

COOKIE: Of course! Just ask Muriel.

COOKIE: The only thing better than Abba is getting MARRIED. Not the whole being married bit, of course. But who cares? Because your BIG DAY is totally worth living out the rest of your days with some asshole.

RED EYE: Is it?

COOKIE: YES. Weren’t you paying attention?

RED EYE: Uh, I didn’t sleep though the last half like you. Actually, I really enjoyed this movie. It teaches girls that everything Cookie just said is bullshit. Getting married sucks. And it’s not better than Dancing Queen.

God, did I just say that?

COOKIE: Finally you say something I agree with.